Five Languages of Appreciation at Work: Helping Employees Feel Valued
⏳ Estimated Reading Time: 6–7 minutes
By William F. Nazzaro, founder of The Time to Lead Institute, leadership expert, performance and executive coach, and trusted advisor to leaders navigating transformation and cultural change.
Most leaders I meet will tell you they appreciate their teams.
But that’s not the real question.
The real question is: do your people feel appreciated?
Years ago, I heard a line that has stayed with me:
“As a leader, you have to learn to lead those who are different from you.”
That includes how you show appreciation. Left on autopilot, most leaders default to what feels natural to them—without realizing that their teams are made up of people who feel valued in very different ways.
If you’re honest, do you know how your team members most like to be appreciated—or are you guessing?
What the Five Language Actually Mean at Work
Based on the book The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Paul White, people tend to feel most appreciated through one or two primary “languages.” In the workplace, those show up in a few specific ways:
1. Words of Affirmation
Clear and specific acknowledgment—not vague “great job,” but something that shows you understand exactly what they did and why it mattered.
2. Quality Time
Focused, undistracted time. A real one-on-one. A walk. A conversation where you’re not rushing or multitasking.
3. Acts of Service
Removing friction. Pitching in when something’s stuck. Helping carry the load when it matters most.
4. Tangible Gifts
Something thoughtful. Not swag. Not whatever Procurement ordered in bulk. Something that shows you actually know the person.
5. Physical Touch (only where appropriate)
A handshake, high-five, or fist bump in environments where that’s normal and welcomed.
What the Data Shows About Employee Appreciation (and Why Leaders Miss It)
Across organizations and industries, you see the same pattern over and over:
- Words of Affirmation is the most commonly chosen primary language.
- Quality Time and Acts of Service follow closely behind.
- Tangible Gifts consistently land near the bottom.
Gifts often feel like appreciation to the giver—but unless they’re thoughtful and personal, they rarely feel like appreciation to the receiver.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. A leader once sent me a stunning, expensive basket of chocolates as a thank-you. It looked generous, but he also knew I was actively trying to lose weight — we’d talked about it many times over dinner. I smiled and said thank you, but it landed pretty empty. The gesture was big — it just didn’t feel like it was about me.
As Gary Chapman and Paul White put it, “Each of us wants to know that what we are doing matters.” And when people don’t feel that, no amount of perks or programs will make up for it.
Where Leaders Get Caught: Assuming Your Way Is the Way
This is where the gap shows up. We tend to lead from our own defaults.
- If you’re big on Words of Affirmation, you’ll naturally send praise.
- If you value Acts of Service, you’ll remove roadblocks and assume it speaks loudly.
- If Quality Time matters most to you, you’ll plan lunches, longer one-on-ones, or social time.
Sometimes that works. Other times, you’re speaking the wrong language entirely. You’re showing appreciation in a way that makes total sense to you—but may not mean much to the person receiving it.
And I’ve been guilty of this myself.
A Personal Wake-Up Call
For me, it became clear over time that my top two languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. Once I realized that, something else clicked: I naturally appreciated others through those same two lenses.
If you worked for me, with me, or lived with me, that’s how you were most likely to experience my appreciation. Not because I planned it that way. Because it’s simply where I go by default.
It was a useful insight, but not a comfortable one.
It forced me to confront the reality that my preferred languages might not be what actually matters most to the people around me. I thought I was being appreciative; that didn’t mean they were feeling it.
And I’ve been on the receiving end of that mismatch too.
Years ago, I had a boss who rewarded me with a trip to Cancun for my wife and me. On paper, it sounded great. But at that time, I was already traveling more than 40 weeks a year, and my daughters were young. I barely saw them.
I thanked him, but I told him honestly that I’d rather just be home for a week. I was exhausted. Cancun—even though it sounds wonderful—was still another week on the road and another week away from my girls.
He looked genuinely surprised and said, “I thought you’d love this. My wife and I love Cancun.”
And that was the point: He was appreciating me in a way that would be meaningful to him, not to me.
It made me look hard at how I was leading.
I showed appreciation by spending time—lunches, dinners, poker nights, long conversations. That’s how I feel appreciated, so that’s how I expressed appreciation.
Most people enjoyed it. But I still missed something important.
I never asked, “How do you like to be appreciated?”
If I had, I still might have done the lunches and poker nights—because that’s authentic to me—but I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would have also known that Josh preferred words of affirmation… that Jeff and Bal valued acts of service… that Mike felt most appreciated through quality time.
In other words, I would have led each person through their lens, not just mine.
A Simple Shift That Changes Everything
You don’t need a new initiative or program to start using this. Just ask each person on your team:
“What makes you feel most appreciated at work?”
“Think about a time when you felt truly valued—what did that look like?”
Listen. Write it down. Then use it.
If someone tells you how they feel most appreciated, respond accordingly:
- Words of Affirmation → Be specific, be timely, and personalize with your acknowledgment.
- Quality Time → Protect your 1:1s and be fully present.
- Acts of Service → Help remove friction where it matters most.
- Tangible Gifts → Keep gestures meaningful and individualized.
- Most people → Have a primary and a secondary preference.
Once you know someone’s language, you’re responsible for how you respond.
Why This Matters for Culture and Performance
This isn’t about being nice. This is about leadership.
Plenty of employees will quietly tell you they receive little to no real recognition at work. Not because most leaders don’t care, but because the way appreciation is shown often doesn’t match how it’s received.
Appreciation impacts:
- Engagement
- Trust
- Ownership
- Retention
- Psychological safety
- Discretionary effort
- The culture your team feels every day
When people feel consistently appreciated—not just occasionally noticed—they show up differently at work. They communicate more. They contribute more. They stay longer. And they put more real effort and care into the work.
A healthy culture isn’t built by posters, slogans, values decks, or all-hands meetings. It’s built through small daily behaviors that signal:
“I see you. I value you. And your contribution matters here.”
Great leadership isn’t about treating everyone the same. It’s about appreciating each person in the way that actually reaches them.
If you’re leading a team or organization and you’re not sure how appreciated your people actually feel, this is a powerful place to start. Ask the questions. Listen. Adjust. And if you want help turning this into real behavior change across your leadership team or culture, that’s the work I love doing with leaders and teams.
👤William F. Nazzaro is the founder of The Time to Lead Institute and an ICF-certified executive and performance coach. With over 30 years of experience guiding organizations and senior leaders through complex transformations, he helps high-performing professionals stay anchored, expand their influence, and lead with clarity — even in moments of pressure or resistance.
A lifelong learner and trusted advisor, William believes leadership is a privilege and a choice — one worth making with integrity, purpose, and heart. Learn more at www.timetolead.com.
